San Diego
I labeled this post San Diego because it is the story. I could give this post a plethera of names such as disappointment, anger, because of you, because of love, because I am scared, you told me to stay, but i'm sick of iowa, I want to experience the big world, etc. etc. etc. ( says the king from the king and I). But San Diego sums it up.
I just graduated from Interior Design and throughout the last semester I began to consistently speak to my sister about the possibility of moving out to San Diego. The opportunity was supreme. I had nothing tying me down to good ol' Cedar Falls Iowa, to me, the only thing tying me down was my own fear, but that I was sure to conquer and prove to myself and everyone else that I am not a small town girl, but need a city of sun and excitement. I had everything in my hand, a place to stay (with my sister for free for atleast a few months while I got on my feet) and family/friends (also my sister, but only my sister). That was it, that was all I cared about. My goal was to head to the west coast, crash with my sister and swamp every interior designer in the city with resumes, my back up plan was transferring to a nearby Home Depot. I was excited, slightly nervous, but really, I was excited for the adventure and the fact that I atleast had a place to stay and enough money to cover expenses for atleast a few months. And I thought, if it fails, I can return home with my tail between my legs but ready to try something else new and adventurous.
So before graduating from design school I was offered an internship. A completely unexpected offer from a well-known senior designer in the area. The emotions I went through at the becoming of this offer overwhelmed me. All I thought about was how God loved me and was offering me the best, offering me the best on a silver platter. I cried. I cried for joy. All I can say to this day is thank you and praise you! Anyways, this internship changed my coars along with another unexpected surprise... I fell in love. A whole nother story of me falling in love but it has much relation with my decision as I will write...
My decision to leave for San Diego was coming closer and closer. My goal was to move it beginning of July. At this time it was early June and the reality of this major move was settling in. The issue was I had a job opportunity here with this interior designer and (like I said before) I was in love. My reasoning for leaving still sounded exciting and adventurous. But not logical anymore. I would pray, God what do you want me to do!? In my head I heard, go, stay, go, stay, go ahead. WHAT!? Luke and I struggled. I struggled reasoning with him on why it was a good thing for me to go, and why it would be okay for us if I left. He couldn't reason with my reasons. I was furious and mad at him. He did not want to do long distance. He believed it would be the end of us, he did not want to lose me. I did not want to lose him either of course but my reasoning was if we were destined to be together, it would work out and we would fight for us. He agreed and disagreed. He saw my opportunity here with my career and with the two of us and he couldn't understand my reasoning. I wanted to go and be free. I wanted to be with him of course. But I wanted to experience life and be independent. I wanted to pursue this adventure in hopes of success and experience in the coast!!! Why couldn't he understand that? Why was he being so selfish in not caring about my own personal development and career development? WHY? I still do not understand this...but when I do find out I will make sure to write you the epiphany.
Life sucked. I went to bed dredding waking to the same distress and heartbreak of knowing I should go. I just wanted him to give me his blessing and let me go.
These many months I had been praying and seeking answers from God, from family and friends. Mom and Dad told me to go. Aunts and Uncles told me to go. Go Go Go. It's a great opportunity. You have not done much traveling and exploring for yourself. This is your opportunity. Don't worry about the boyfriend. Once you get married you are tied down and you won't get these kinds of opportunities to up and leave.....okay I'll go.
I will always remember the night I told Luke I was for sure going. I had told my parents, I had planned to put in my two weeks at Home Depot the next night I worked, and I had told Danielle I was 95% sure I was coming. I was so excited. But I had to break the real news that I was truely going to Luke. It was late and we sat in his old truck in my front driveway. "I'm going." I told him. He asked me to explain. I explained to him how important this was for my career in terms of landing a design job and gaining coastal experience nonlike the midwest. I explained how I wanted to explore myself and find myself and how I believed we would be okay. He challenged everything I said, questioning me, giving me his opinion. To him, this was going to be a disaster to our relationship. I remember thinking to myself, Oh the days of being single and free! Why can't he understand I need this experience and space? We battled for about two hours. My heart felt empty, rejected and confused. How come I was not getting a peace about this decision? How come Luke was not supporting me? As I sat in silence in Luke's pickup with my feet up on the dash board I heard God speak, "your time will come." silence. "what?" "your time will come." I was furiated. Hurt. My eyes teared and I looked at Luke and I told him I had to go. I abruptly left him sitting there and stormed into the house with eyes now pouring in tears. My dad was still up working in his office and so I stormed into his office and let him see myself cry. I didn't want to tell him I was being told to stay. After all this, all this turmoil, he is now telling me to stay. I did not have the guts to tell dad. He comforted me and reassured that I was making a good decision to leave. I was not at peace. I went to bed that night sobbing and raging.
Waking the next morning I dreaded opening my eyes so I kept them tightly shut as I rolled onto my back. The first thing I thought to myself was, "God, what do you want me to do?" "stay." This infumed me again. I grabbed my Bible and notebook and stomped outside to the brisk morning. Sitting on the deck stairs I read and prayed and journaled. He affirmed me that this was what he wanted me to do. I slowly began to relax and understand. It was going to be okay, this is in God's hands for some reason he is calling me to stay.
This story still gets me worked up because I still am wondering, "okay so what are you doing with my life here in this town?" He has only revealed a small measure. The only thing is that I will be marrying Luke. I don't know when but like I said I fell in love, but I never thought I would be so in love and ready for marriage.
My fingers are tired but there is more to tell...but I will wait till I have another hour and a half of a clear day available.
yours.
I just graduated from Interior Design and throughout the last semester I began to consistently speak to my sister about the possibility of moving out to San Diego. The opportunity was supreme. I had nothing tying me down to good ol' Cedar Falls Iowa, to me, the only thing tying me down was my own fear, but that I was sure to conquer and prove to myself and everyone else that I am not a small town girl, but need a city of sun and excitement. I had everything in my hand, a place to stay (with my sister for free for atleast a few months while I got on my feet) and family/friends (also my sister, but only my sister). That was it, that was all I cared about. My goal was to head to the west coast, crash with my sister and swamp every interior designer in the city with resumes, my back up plan was transferring to a nearby Home Depot. I was excited, slightly nervous, but really, I was excited for the adventure and the fact that I atleast had a place to stay and enough money to cover expenses for atleast a few months. And I thought, if it fails, I can return home with my tail between my legs but ready to try something else new and adventurous.
So before graduating from design school I was offered an internship. A completely unexpected offer from a well-known senior designer in the area. The emotions I went through at the becoming of this offer overwhelmed me. All I thought about was how God loved me and was offering me the best, offering me the best on a silver platter. I cried. I cried for joy. All I can say to this day is thank you and praise you! Anyways, this internship changed my coars along with another unexpected surprise... I fell in love. A whole nother story of me falling in love but it has much relation with my decision as I will write...
My decision to leave for San Diego was coming closer and closer. My goal was to move it beginning of July. At this time it was early June and the reality of this major move was settling in. The issue was I had a job opportunity here with this interior designer and (like I said before) I was in love. My reasoning for leaving still sounded exciting and adventurous. But not logical anymore. I would pray, God what do you want me to do!? In my head I heard, go, stay, go, stay, go ahead. WHAT!? Luke and I struggled. I struggled reasoning with him on why it was a good thing for me to go, and why it would be okay for us if I left. He couldn't reason with my reasons. I was furious and mad at him. He did not want to do long distance. He believed it would be the end of us, he did not want to lose me. I did not want to lose him either of course but my reasoning was if we were destined to be together, it would work out and we would fight for us. He agreed and disagreed. He saw my opportunity here with my career and with the two of us and he couldn't understand my reasoning. I wanted to go and be free. I wanted to be with him of course. But I wanted to experience life and be independent. I wanted to pursue this adventure in hopes of success and experience in the coast!!! Why couldn't he understand that? Why was he being so selfish in not caring about my own personal development and career development? WHY? I still do not understand this...but when I do find out I will make sure to write you the epiphany.
Life sucked. I went to bed dredding waking to the same distress and heartbreak of knowing I should go. I just wanted him to give me his blessing and let me go.
These many months I had been praying and seeking answers from God, from family and friends. Mom and Dad told me to go. Aunts and Uncles told me to go. Go Go Go. It's a great opportunity. You have not done much traveling and exploring for yourself. This is your opportunity. Don't worry about the boyfriend. Once you get married you are tied down and you won't get these kinds of opportunities to up and leave.....okay I'll go.
I will always remember the night I told Luke I was for sure going. I had told my parents, I had planned to put in my two weeks at Home Depot the next night I worked, and I had told Danielle I was 95% sure I was coming. I was so excited. But I had to break the real news that I was truely going to Luke. It was late and we sat in his old truck in my front driveway. "I'm going." I told him. He asked me to explain. I explained to him how important this was for my career in terms of landing a design job and gaining coastal experience nonlike the midwest. I explained how I wanted to explore myself and find myself and how I believed we would be okay. He challenged everything I said, questioning me, giving me his opinion. To him, this was going to be a disaster to our relationship. I remember thinking to myself, Oh the days of being single and free! Why can't he understand I need this experience and space? We battled for about two hours. My heart felt empty, rejected and confused. How come I was not getting a peace about this decision? How come Luke was not supporting me? As I sat in silence in Luke's pickup with my feet up on the dash board I heard God speak, "your time will come." silence. "what?" "your time will come." I was furiated. Hurt. My eyes teared and I looked at Luke and I told him I had to go. I abruptly left him sitting there and stormed into the house with eyes now pouring in tears. My dad was still up working in his office and so I stormed into his office and let him see myself cry. I didn't want to tell him I was being told to stay. After all this, all this turmoil, he is now telling me to stay. I did not have the guts to tell dad. He comforted me and reassured that I was making a good decision to leave. I was not at peace. I went to bed that night sobbing and raging.
Waking the next morning I dreaded opening my eyes so I kept them tightly shut as I rolled onto my back. The first thing I thought to myself was, "God, what do you want me to do?" "stay." This infumed me again. I grabbed my Bible and notebook and stomped outside to the brisk morning. Sitting on the deck stairs I read and prayed and journaled. He affirmed me that this was what he wanted me to do. I slowly began to relax and understand. It was going to be okay, this is in God's hands for some reason he is calling me to stay.
This story still gets me worked up because I still am wondering, "okay so what are you doing with my life here in this town?" He has only revealed a small measure. The only thing is that I will be marrying Luke. I don't know when but like I said I fell in love, but I never thought I would be so in love and ready for marriage.
My fingers are tired but there is more to tell...but I will wait till I have another hour and a half of a clear day available.
yours.
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